Be My Masochistic Valentine

By Jade Walker


Someone really ought to take that bow out of Cupid's hands and break it in half. Or better yet, remove the boy's blindfold so he can at least do a half-decent job of binding hearts and lives.

As lovers gaze longingly into each other's eyes and Hallmark makes millions in mushy card sales, there is a segment of our population that is suffering. If Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's doesn't make single people feel worthless and alone, Valentine's Day will surely twist the spike in their hearts a bit more.

Not me, though. I'm much more masochistic. I actually choose to be single, purposely keeping myself away from love attachments and reveling in solitude.

Most of the time, I don't worry much about my lack of love. Who has time to meet, greet and snuggle someone when you're working 20 hours a day? Yet once in a great while, singlehood catches up with me ... like on Feb. 14th.

Since I was in a mood, I decided to think of ways to torture myself. If you also want to have a masochistic Valentine's Day:

* Accept a blind date.

* Accept a blind date set up by your parents.

* Go to the movies and watch "Chocolat," "The Wedding Planner," "Sweet November" or something equally romantic -- by yourself. Be sure to sit right behind a couple making out.

* Call an ex and listen to how wonderful their life is (with the new husband/wife and kids).

* Try to get on "Blind Date."

* Sit with a pint of chocolate chocolate chip Häagen Dazs and watch "Mad About You" reruns.

* Go to one of those "We're single on V-Day so let's get drunk together" mixers.

* Hire an "escort."

* Answer a personal ad.

* Decide to start a diet. Then get so depressed by your single status that you attack the drug store the next day and pig out on all the discounted V-Day candy.

* Send yourself flowers and sign the card "From Your Secret Admirer."

* Forget that the flowers you received "From Your Secret Admirer" were actually sent by you.

* Join another couple on their date as the pathetic, third wheel.

* Join that same couple on their date while being in love with one of them.

* Listen to the "love song dedication" radio station and slow dance with your pillow.

* Read all those glossy magazines to find out a million ways to please the woman/man you don't have.

You don't have to follow my lead. In truth, there are a million things worse than being alone on Valentine's Day.

You could be breaking up with someone. Your boyfriend could be in jail. You could be in an abusive relationship. You could walk in on your girlfriend having sex with someone else. You could be with someone who forgot it was Valentine's Day.

Or worst of all, you could be dating someone who buys you sexy lingerie that's three sizes too small because the supermodel in the Victoria's Secret catalog caught his eye. Nothing you could do to yourself is more torturous than that ... except maybe trying it on.